Yesterday was huge. It was monumental because life just kept happening at such a rapid pace. At 10 I had my interview with the Peace Corps.

At 11:30 I left to find a text on my phone from my foodie asking me if I wanted to review a diner with him that night (he’s a food critic). I slated dinner for 7:30.

At 12 I returned to work, stayed until 5:30 when I left for my 6 O’clock piano lesson. And then in between all of this was life – debating about the GREs, finding a place to live, being told that my current job can’t afford me if I want to earn more money so I have to find another one, and then the grand ‘ol debate of whether or not I should stay here.

I think I may just go home, because the Peace Corps won’t send me out until late summer, or even this time next fall. This means that I have some serious time to kill. If I have to endure of 12 more months of limbo, on top of the 4 currently under my belt, I mind as well be happy.

I got a promotion yesterday. I should have been happy, but then why did I start crying?

Why did I rush home and stand static in my living room with tears rolling down my neck?

I was flattered with compliments of work ethic and personality. I was informed of how they were trying to make a tailored position and a salary for me. They like having me around … but then I.. I …

Last night I paced like a cat for hours

The creaks of the wooden floors mimicking breads crumbs of where I’ve been

Ramblings escaped in gasps and gulps. Not even Bjork’s best could better them

I confessed to her that I no longer have happy playlists.

And that I wear my aviators to shut people out and how I do my best to avoid the opposite sex. I asked her questions and for the first time she had answers.

I got three hours of sleep last night.

And no one will know,

any of this.

Too bad you ruined this song for me. I would’ve like it had I found it first. I would’ve liked it had you not sat next to me as you waxed amazed, singing along.

This morning was cloudy, my favorite. The overcast skies received a good licking from the constant tongues of wind that chilled my sweat as I ran.

You want to hear something tragic? When I realized this I chortled at my own misfortune. The closest thing I have now to a panoramic shot of the natural landscape are the reflections of the blue skies off the skyscraper windows.

I sit at Bryant Park both days, every weekend, and sit and write and draw. I stare at the trees that surround the tiny park and it’s surrounding terraces. Then I extend my eyes to the sky and blur what happens in the middle.

That’s it. That’s the closest thing I have to seeing a horizon. I have to look at my world through the bottom of a bottle.

Hey,

I ran this morning. My head wasn’t in it though. I had just awoken from a nightmare. It was about war. I saw a small building blow up after I sent a group of children and a guardian inside of it to take cover. I saw people I knew get shot at close range. It was so vivid it was off putting, not even my stride could shake those images.

The only thing I could think about was how to further isolate myself from this world, i.e. New York City. I thought, I could wear a tie, no make-up, dark glasses, make myself look as undesirable as possible.

… But then I realized how poorly that look would coordinate with the weather and thought better of it.

Second Phase of Project ‘Manhattan Couch Surf’ complete. Bay Ridge, Brooklyn was a good home. The two cats I was assigned to take care are still alive and the owners are home safe from their vacation.

This weekend I moved north, to Queens. A fresh borrough for a fresh start. Although I don’t have my own room yet, there is promise for one. I’m thinking that the new room may come with a new job in the next month. Either way, the place I’m at now has streaming wireless and AC, which is a HUGE step up from the Bay Ridge paddock.

On a different note,

I don’t think anyone will every really understand.

Meet me here in the middle.

There is no black and white. No clean and dirty. There are no fragments. There is no whole.

There’s a corner that just stretches and stretches. Everything turns a shade of gray.

My long journey to the middle, where shadows play.

First phase of Project ‘Manhattan Couch Surf’ complete. Today I am leaving Kathryn’s place in Park Slope and moving to Bay Ridge (SW Brooklyn).

The place I’m going to is nice: 5 min jog to the water, safe neighborhood, my own space …. temporarily. I’m cat-sitting for my friend Jess and his wife Kee while they’re away on vacation for 10 days.

Moving, shifting, tumbling forward. I had this lively discussion with a friend on AIM today. I was expressing my anxiety over my undecided professional future. “how do i combine my interests!?” i ask frantically. he replies with a cool “forget about a stable career. fuck that – work for your passion.”

i know better. thank you. but as i responded “easy for you to say, you got honors” i realized how insecure i was about my intelligence.

my five closest friends senior year, the people i hung out with every night, the people i ate every meal with – all got honors. i didn’t. only one out of the group. how agonizing that day was saying “congrats!” and “good for you, you really deserved it.”

shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behaviour!

aw shit the cyst on my face just burst. mini-acne lesson kids: acne cysts are very similar to cysts found elsewhere on your body. it’s a pool of liquids amassed below your skin in a sack. to permanently remove the cyst from your face (or anywhere) you have to go in and surgically remove the sack. this is my third cyst total, but only second acne cyst.

it bulges, bubbles, and then pops. puss and blood comes out. it deflates, and unless removed, remains to be filled at a later date.

isn’t your body fascinating?

So here I sit, listening to Tegan & Sara’s ‘The Con’ album broken up by repeated viewings of a 46-second long video clip on youtube of Harold & Kumar singing “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips.

I just spent 8 blissful days in Middleburg Hts, Ohio reading, running and applying for jobs. I am seeing results – on all fronts. Running 5 miles a day clears your head and gives you calf muscles. Janet and Jeff are two people that everyone should be fortunate enough to know. Janet takes me under her wing and I take her under mine. She wants to go to the museum, I want to be company. She is an art teacher/ historian in need of a pupil, and I am a student in need of guidance.

Jesus Christ this is all so silly. As everything changes, nothing changes. Aunt Norma says: “Kristen, I’m having trouble trying to figure out where you want to go in advertising.” I think: how am I supposed to define a path that doesn’t exist.

You were initially a geology major. but after the fifth course you discovered that you were a terrible field scientist and a better social scientist. So you changed your major to art, a field defined by society. But geology still calls, you just bought used textbook on natural hazards. Then, the same year you declared art as a major you took an African Art history course by happenstance. And from that you were inundated with interest and curiosity: African Religions, Islamic Art & Architecture, and 20th Century History of Africa were taken shortly after.

Focus on just one. Just one. Just one. Exhaust it and move on.

Just one. Just one. Just one.

Exhausted. Just one. Just one. Just one.

Go for a run. Read. Chuck Palahniuk: “Being tired isn’t the same as being rich, but most times it’s close enough.”

Just one. Just one. Just one.

Just one means going to great lengths. Come with me.

My body pillow is a poor substitute for what you could be. Come with me.

please.

I want to walk to Great Wall. I want to feel its beat beneath my feet, the way I feel your heart beneath my hand.

and so it begins – finally. things are progressing. i have never gone so long without being mentally and physically engaged. the past four years of my life went:

Wooster –> Ireland –> Wooster –> Detroit Zoo –> Wooster –> Detroit Zoo –> Wooster.

A summer of nothing but friends and adventures? Not working?  Unheard of.
Now? Oh man. Try to keep up. First up is a 10-day vacation to dear Cleveland. Then promptly returning to NYC for a month-long internship that concludes just after Labor Day. THEN, if I get lucky, I’ll be moving back to Detroit for a semester-long internship at Doner advertising.

To get out of paying for a month of rent in NYC (I instead sacrificed that money for a ticket to Cleveland) I’ll be couch surfing during my time here in the city. The first four nights with Ryn, then 10 days with Jesse, then 10 days with Taylor, and finishing at Nancy’s.

Throw in a visit from my father while in the city, and maybe a trip to Boston over a weekend, then a second job once I return to the midwest (hopefully at a bar/pool hall) and I’ll be a busy gal.

Oh yeah, did I mention that instead of moving to Detroit I may just say “fuck it” and move to Boston? Also an option.

And of course I can’t forget about an update about Carnegie Mellon and the Peace Corps. Still fighting for it. My case will be up for review at Carnegie this fall so I have to start preparing my argument… that, and the GREs.